CRISIE HUTCHINGS

I’m between.

Between what I’ve been and what I’m becoming.

It’s a funny, awkward kind of place. A place of unknown. A place of just not sure, unfamiliar. Very unfamiliar.

Before I turned back to what was known, comfortable and it was like that door was open still to turn to and now- I’m not even turning around to look for it. Even if I did, I don’t think the door would even be there

Because it’s not where I want to be.

So I’m in the hallway. Stalling. Turning, turning, trying to know- but I don’t! Maybe I’m just to stand to wait in the hall for Him. God; to come to take me by the hand and lead me.

So tempted to move forward and find my own way because this place of waiting is so awkward and unsettling.

As others pass by, going in and out of doors, laughing, eating, playing and working. While I just stand here, knowing nothing. And no one even acknowledges me there. They are busy coming and going.

I longing look to them to tell me something. Something that validates this place I’m in or to take me with them. It’s like I’m invisible to them. Is this You, God? Did you bring me here?

It feels like You because if I get quiet enough, I hear the stillness in my soul saying,

“Stay”. “Just stay. Breathe. Stay. Taste the beauty. Taste the quiet. Taste what it’s like not to wander and move or run and wonder. Just stay.”

“Taste life without the struggle-like Jacob. He had to wrestle with Me to stop running, planning, conniving.”

So I wrestle. To stay. Just stay.